Do You Trust Me?

“Never trust anyone, Daniel, especially the people you admire. Those are the ones who will make you suffer the worst blows.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind

Who do you trust? Why do you trust them?

I went back to a conversation a family member had with someone else close to me. Let’s call the one who told me the story B and the second person G.

Well B told me their conversation went something like this:

G: What can I say to her to make her trust me, that I won’t hurt her?
B: I think she knows.

B did her best to make G feel good about the situation but the short answer to the question is this: nothing.
Not a god damned thing. B and G are wonderful human beings, closer to me than a lot of people in my life; they’re more worthy of that trust than most people. Yet I cannot give them my trust as much as I should.

I can’t trust anyone at all, with anything. B can attest to this because she’s known me a very long time.

Control of myself, my life and everything in it is something I demand every second, every minute of every day and when I’m not in control, I am very unhappy.

G is a loving and giving human being and hasn’t once, in the years we’ve known each other given me any reason to be distrustful of her, in fact, it’s been the opposite.

However, when you come from a certain background, trust goes out the window early and completely. For all intents and purposes, I’ve been self-sufficient since age 9 or 10 and realised after many terrible misdeeds, trust wasn’t worth giving up anymore.

So to ask me now, at 33, to lean on someone else for anything I need, no, not without a fight and it’s in no way intentional. With some more time and perhaps some more healing, I may be able to get to a point where I feel like I can trust B and G implicitly.

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough.”

Indeed it is a torment, since human beings are designed, socialised and have evolved to be interdependent creatures, we are to trust and be trusted to ensure survival and proliferation of the species.

At some point I have to stop white knuckling my autonomy and allow myself to rely on someone else for safety or the holding of secrets. Just not today.