Building Rome, A Day at a Time

I was not always this person. Well duh monkiss, you’re thinking, we’re all in constant evolution.

My dear reader, I’m sitting in the basement suite I share with my gorgeous wife and feeling a sense of peace and empowerment in my life and that is what I want for you.

Knowing my gender identity and my sexuality was not something that clicked for me one morning; it was a painful and long journey.

I didn’t think I deserved to be the person I am now.

There were out lesbians all around me, some were feminine and lipstick wearing, some androgynous and others more masculine, like me. And I couldn’t look them in the eye.

There was a paralysis that took place when I saw them on the bus or seated in my women’s studies class across from me in the circle where we talked about Germaine Greer or Gloria Steinem or Ellen’s coming-out episode on her sitcom in the 90’s.

I hated them because they weren’t afraid to be who they were and I hated them because I was afraid to listen to the voice inside me that said, yes…this is your tribe and these are your people.

They don’t call it the love that dare not speak it’s name for nothing.

A search for pieces of myself took me through a terminal illness and the wreckage and rebuilding of my body.

I left a 7 year relationship with a man who tolerated someone who had no desire for him, who didn’t burn for him the way I feel for my wife. I don’t know why he did that to himself. That part is not mine to feel guilty about.

After learning how to walk again, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. That was my moment, my moment to say I can’t choose this life anymore.

For me, being thousands of miles from my family and having little money and no one to talk to was like jumping out of a plane with my eyes closed and no parachute and no knowledge of how badly the landing was going to hurt or if I would come through another risk with my life.

After rising from the ashes, the painfulness of rebuilding, the growing and the work that came from that gave me the strength and the courage to make the next leap.

Leaving that man was brutality, he assassinated my character, he took everything we built together and I let it happen.

Even though I had nothing, I pulled myself up, forced myself into the world anew and reminded myself that as long as I was alive, I was a success, I could change.

My friends, my grandmother and extended family saved my life during those dark and painful days.

By the time B came into my life, I felt indestructible.

I accepted my sexuality and was proud of who I am, I shrugged off the negative stereotypes of being a masculine presenting female and allowed that identity to continue to evolve. I still have days.

We are not what happens to us, we are ourselves and the collection of lessons we take away from the slings and arrows life hurls at us.

I had taken many falls, survived so much damage and pulled myself to a place of success and strength.

The universe had rewarded my work.

B. was the woman in my life who changed everything.

With her, for the first time, I felt things I’ve never had in my life.

I felt what it’s like to want someone, to desire them…body, soul and spirit.
The power of desire cannot be underestimated.

When you are in the minority as a gender identity, sexuality in the way you present yourself to the world, it’s a very lonely and isolating place.

B. was and still is, my everything.

We’ve been together three years and I still don’t know what it’s like to not want her. I may never know.

When I wrap my arms around her each morning, I am home, when I kiss her goodnight, I rest in complete peace, when I come home to her after a day at work, I melt into her arms and smell her hair and know I have arrived.

It took me 30 years dear reader to feel this for the first time. This true love, this true peace.

Building an empire of truth is the only way to live.

I wish you peace dear readers. I wish you love and I wish you success in building your empire.

monkiss

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2 thoughts on “Building Rome, A Day at a Time

  1. Monkiss, this is a beautiful piece of writing which is eloquent and filled with sense of self-empowerment that you mentioned. It must be wonderful knowing you have made the right choices and to feel so blessed. Continue to enjoy this. You do deserve this. 🙂

    • Aww thanks! It was inspired by another blogger friend of mine who is struggling with coming out. You don’t ‘magically become’ who you are..it’s all part of the process and we all have stories like that…love that there are eyes out there reading it 😀

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