My Private Remembrance Day

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”-Buddha

I am coming up on a time that is bitter sweet for me and it influences my life so profoundly to this very day.

The time I speak of is that pivotal moment in every person’s life who has ever been in the closet.

When you’re hoarse from running, exhausted and scared at every shadow, every whisper and every look feels like the weight of the elephant in the room. It is time. When you are paranoid that the world knows your secret and judges you for it. It is time.

But the only one tormented into the early morning, day in and day out, is you.

One day, as if by accident, while looking over your shoulder, you run smack into that thing you’ve been running from and it hits you in the face in a sometimes very real and painful way.

For me, it was being proposed marriage to, by a guy I had been in a relationship with for a long time and being caught up in the moment enough to say yes, only to have the yes tie itself around my throat like a noose.

Was I walking down the aisle or to the gallows?

I knew marrying this man was a death sentence for my inner self. It would kill my true self, my feelings, my struggles, my creativity and my plans for the life I wanted and was too cowardly at that point to reach out and grab.

When I finally took that great leap, it was painful and ugly.

I laboured to give birth to myself under lonely conditions. But I was proud when it was over. Not that it ever ends.

You come out every day in casual conversation, when someone says, ‘what does your husband do?’ or even things like division of household chores or workplace emergency contact lists or hospital waiting rooms.

When Pride events begin in my neck of the woods in about a week from now, I allow myself that time to ruminate on 7 years ago, and how very different life was for me in my twenties…and that I wouldn’t change a moment of truth for all those years of lies and omissions.

Truth is the only safe ground to stand on.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton (1815 – 1902)

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18 thoughts on “My Private Remembrance Day

  1. I had my first Pride experience last year when I was in London, Ontario with my big bro. The atmosphere was incredibly vibrant and it was wonderful to see people celebrating themselves and one another and their believes and lifestyle etc without any sort of vibe of narrowmindedness etc. I hope this continues to be a wonderful period in your life. 🙂

    • That’s awesome ms kate, does your brother live on this side of the pond? My life continues to get more wonderful every year and I am so grateful for it! Authenticity works!! 🙂

      • Yes, he does. He lives in the suburbs of Toronto. Scarborough. 🙂 We were in London last summer seeing OLP and Sloan and STP at that Rock the Park thing. God, it was SO good! 🙂 I was astonished, had been talking to this nice girl at the gig and she was really angry because Toronto’s mayor hadn’t gone to their city’s Pride march. Pretty shoddy, I’d say.

  2. Im sure that once those things aren’t an issue anymore, it must be very freeing. I have felt it temperarily at gatherings or gay bars for a brief time. I am glad you are happy 😉

  3. You’re right, it doesn’t end. It’s a good benchmark to use actually. If it stops happening you know your world is shrinking.

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