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It’s been a rough time around the ol family homestead this past week.
I got a nice wallop of depressive episode that decided to rear its’ ugly head and make me wonder what it’s all for. It’s just a case of too much time on my hands and not enough mobility to do much with that time.
In a few days I will be out of it again I know, clawing my way with stubborn and relentless optimism and the help of my wife and some good drugs –the legal kind 😀
“…you have to use your failures as stepping-stones to success. You have to maintain a fine balance between hope and despair. In the end it’s all a question of balance.”
― Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance
I am wading, shin deep, in a hardening concrete called depression and the past couple of days, it has been dangling me over its gaping maw.
The harder I fight against it, the more momentum I lose and thus, no posts come – just tears.
No one succumbs to losing control of their life in small fragments or suddenly either I suppose.
Secretly chanting mantras in my head is helpful:
I go to the Buddha for refuge
Control is an illusion and clinging to desires is the cause of suffering, says the Buddha, things that give me peace.
If all I have is this moment, if I trust my beliefs that the consistent and dependable entity of life is change, then I chant…
This too shall pass.
It is difficult to wait for money, to wait for x-rays, to wait for help, to mark the days that melt into each other like a Dali painting.
But it is not the most difficult thing.
It isn’t that difficult in the timeline of my life, even in the past month, forget about the last 33 years.
Knowing this, bowing to the small shrine, with incense burning, to my small Buddha on the shelf gives me comfort, like any spiritual ritual.
So knowing that my mind is convincing my heart and my body to let my head be pulled
under the water and into hopelessness,
I will be compassionate to myself
and read the words of a great man:
Most important is knowing how to ride the waves of impermanence, smiling as one who knows he has never been born and will never die. -Thich Nhat Hanh