Dear Nan…

Age is never so old as youth would measure it. -Jack London

I love my grandmother.

She has always been like a mother to me.

This summer she is moving out of the tiny outport town she’s lived in since her birth in the early 1930’s.

I’m certain she knows every tree, every movement of the tides in the harbour and is intimately acquainted with the fine lines in cliffs towering over the little salt box houses.

As of late, she’s celebrated her older sister’s approach to her mid-nineties, the death of dear friends and relatives and she’s outlived 2 husbands.

She never gets a cold.

Yet she says to me, “please god, if I’m alive next year, you’ll be home for the reunion,”

“nanny, don’t be silly, ofcourse you will,” I reply.

By comparison, my grandmother has her all-bran cereal, one orange and a cup of tea for breakfast every morning.

She has done this for decades.

Even into my mid-thirties, I can keenly remember the smell, the pop of citrus as she breaks the skin on her orange and pays attention to gently opening the juicy flesh over a paper towel, rocking sleepily in the chair behind her listening to CBC radio morning as a ten year old.

How could she not outlive me?

I rush into Starbucks, grab an Americano and some processed pastry, eat and text and zip off to work.

She walks miles every day, knits, makes her own bread, is always busy, has an active social life and a healthy spirituality.

Me, I hop on rapid transit,attempt to get some time at the gym and I’m satisfied opening a can of ‘whatever’ for meals.

I will always love her, respect her and listen to her carefully when she advises me.

That is the least I can do for all she has given me. Life, wisdom, unconditional love and safety in the storms of my parents’ divorce.

This summer when she moves into the city, to live next door to my aunt, the youngest of my father’s sisters, I will miss that tiny town as well.

But as long as I have her, I have my foundation and my safety.

I will love you always nanny…xo forever

For age is opportunity no less
Than youth itself, though in another dress,
And as the evening twilight fades away
The sky is filled with stars, invisible by day. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

monkiss

Fumbling Towards Enlightenment

When you are fatigued and unwell is when it is hardest sometimes, to live by your beliefs of peace and mindfulness and compassion.

But I am still learning. I will forever be a beginner in this practice but I am prepared to keep trying.

Enlightenment means different things to different people.

Essentially it’s about these words: compassion, mindfulness, love, living in the moment.

tian tan buddha – hong kong

In Buddhism, we speak of touching Nirvana with our own body, In Christianity, you can also touch the Kingdom of God with your body, right here and now. it is much safer than placing our hope in the future. If we cling to the idea of hope in the future, we might not notice the peace and joy that are available in the present moment. The best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment. -Thich Nhat Hanh

My 3 days off will include meditation, fasting and reminding myself of compassion.

gautama-buddha

“May All That Have Life Be Delivered From Suffering.” -Gautama Buddha

Positivity

I’m sharing these zen cards with you because I am in need of positivity and I’m sure it couldn’t hurt you either dear readers ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s been a rough week for me in a few ways and for self-care, I need to read these too.

from the blog kindovermatter

Happy Thursday, peace and love. monkiss

New Haircut Day

So I got my hair cut yesterday which is always a nice occasion at our house.

My wife loves to rub my head where it’s shaved, usually the back of my head and the feel of her fingers on my scalp has the effect of a tranquilizer dart, my eyes droop and I swear I can hear myself snore.

Also nice is…the way she looks at me ๐Ÿ™‚

like I’m a tasty butch happy meal…yay!

There’s that special you’re cute look she gives me when I’m freshly groomed that I don’t think she even realises she’s doing.

My hairstyle is a shorter version of this:

When her sister came in this afternoon, we were getting ready to go on a date.

The following conversation ensues:

Sister: “You two are always going on a date.”
Us: “We are, it’s fun.”
Sister: “Except it’s always with the same person.”
Monkiss: “Oh yes, that’s terrrrrrible,” I purred while wrapped my arms around my wife’s curves and giving her neck kisses…
“marriage is terrible” ๐Ÿ˜‰
Sister: eeew, gross
Wife: *giggles*

The End ๐Ÿ˜€

kind over matter

The best thing I ever did in my life was volunteer to become a crisis counsellor.

It helped me search beneath the surface of my my own mind for the reasons I was compassionate with people who hurt and neglected me from childhood to present day.

There was a reason…and I knew it was buried somewhere but training to be a counsellor helped me find the words.

It also helped me find the boundaries to know when that compassion had run its course and it was time to walk away for my own protection.

The soul knows how to heal wounds of all kinds but sometimes the heart might be a little unwilling to let go as much as the mind.

Do You Trust Me?

โ€œNever trust anyone, Daniel, especially the people you admire. Those are the ones who will make you suffer the worst blows.โ€
โ€• Carlos Ruiz Zafรณn, The Shadow of the Wind

Who do you trust? Why do you trust them?

I went back to a conversation a family member had with someone else close to me. Let’s call the one who told me the story B and the second person G.

Well B told me their conversation went something like this:

G: What can I say to her to make her trust me, that I won’t hurt her?
B: I think she knows.

B did her best to make G feel good about the situation but the short answer to the question is this: nothing.
Not a god damned thing. B and G are wonderful human beings, closer to me than a lot of people in my life; they’re more worthy of that trust than most people. Yet I cannot give them my trust as much as I should.

I can’t trust anyone at all, with anything. B can attest to this because she’s known me a very long time.

Control of myself, my life and everything in it is something I demand every second, every minute of every day and when I’m not in control, I am very unhappy.

G is a loving and giving human being and hasn’t once, in the years we’ve known each other given me any reason to be distrustful of her, in fact, it’s been the opposite.

However, when you come from a certain background, trust goes out the window early and completely. For all intents and purposes, I’ve been self-sufficient since age 9 or 10 and realised after many terrible misdeeds, trust wasn’t worth giving up anymore.

So to ask me now, at 33, to lean on someone else for anything I need, no, not without a fight and it’s in no way intentional. With some more time and perhaps some more healing, I may be able to get to a point where I feel like I can trust B and G implicitly.

โ€œYou may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough.โ€

Indeed it is a torment, since human beings are designed, socialised and have evolved to be interdependent creatures, we are to trust and be trusted to ensure survival and proliferation of the species.

At some point I have to stop white knuckling my autonomy and allow myself to rely on someone else for safety or the holding of secrets. Just not today.