My Private Remembrance Day

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”-Buddha

I am coming up on a time that is bitter sweet for me and it influences my life so profoundly to this very day.

The time I speak of is that pivotal moment in every person’s life who has ever been in the closet.

When you’re hoarse from running, exhausted and scared at every shadow, every whisper and every look feels like the weight of the elephant in the room. It is time. When you are paranoid that the world knows your secret and judges you for it. It is time.

But the only one tormented into the early morning, day in and day out, is you.

One day, as if by accident, while looking over your shoulder, you run smack into that thing you’ve been running from and it hits you in the face in a sometimes very real and painful way.

For me, it was being proposed marriage to, by a guy I had been in a relationship with for a long time and being caught up in the moment enough to say yes, only to have the yes tie itself around my throat like a noose.

Was I walking down the aisle or to the gallows?

I knew marrying this man was a death sentence for my inner self. It would kill my true self, my feelings, my struggles, my creativity and my plans for the life I wanted and was too cowardly at that point to reach out and grab.

When I finally took that great leap, it was painful and ugly.

I laboured to give birth to myself under lonely conditions. But I was proud when it was over. Not that it ever ends.

You come out every day in casual conversation, when someone says, ‘what does your husband do?’ or even things like division of household chores or workplace emergency contact lists or hospital waiting rooms.

When Pride events begin in my neck of the woods in about a week from now, I allow myself that time to ruminate on 7 years ago, and how very different life was for me in my twenties…and that I wouldn’t change a moment of truth for all those years of lies and omissions.

Truth is the only safe ground to stand on.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton (1815 – 1902)

Mutant Planet Could Cause A Divorce

My wife loves mutant planet on Discovery science channel.

I love it too. But not to the same extent. I also hate our PVR now, or Tivo or whatever you call it where you are. Why do I hate it?

Because every time I”m doing something in the livingroom, B says, Ciaran! Ciaran! Wait, you have to look at this. She pauses mutant planet, too far back, too far ahead then too far back again. Lookit that, the snake! the snail! How that monkey has crazy feet or this frog attacked a fish.

I love my wife, very much. Though sometimes, I just want to sit in the same room and play video games or write or check my social networking pages.

Damn you mutant planet!

She cries when cute animals get hurt and then I feel bad for saying ‘hey, leave me alone.’

Given, I only do that after the 9th time in an hour when she’s taped 3 or 4 episodes and watches them back to back in an evening.

I’m soft hearted that way.

So I say again, damn you technology for never letting me get a moment’s peace when mutant planet is on.

p.s we can’t watch mutant planet Australia anymore because *spoiler alert* a kangaroo died.

see what you did mutant planet? see what you did?

 

Amazing Women: While we’re on the subject, here’s another!

When I first moved to Winnipeg, I earnestly wanted to get involved in the LGBT community and went to a spoken word, reading/performance by an amazing woman named Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha.

She was art and colour, wisdom and rebellion wrapped up in talent when I watched her read and interviewed her.

It was definitely 6 or 7 years ago now and while I am certain she spoke with hundreds of media folks since, I was hooked.

I wanted to see where this woman went in life and I was inspired to keep the fire of art and activism alive in my life.

If you haven’t somewhere encountered her yet, please take a moment and follow this link:

http://www.brownstargirl.org/

You will be happy you did! Much respect to her and her work. If you believe in it, support her!